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In the 10th year following the loss of my grandmother, my depression and anxiety symptoms felt like they were at their peak.
I had spent ten years:
- Ignoring the pain of her absence while simultaneously reliving the moments around her death (as a way to keep her alive)
- Pushing through life with as much willpower I could manage to generate
- Smiling my way through interactions with family, friends, and strangers even though I felt dead inside
- Sweeping under an imaginary rug anything that reminded me of how numb I felt emotionally
- Ticking boxes of an agenda that stirred up more resentment than self-fulfillment; while secretly hoping that one day, my lack of appetite and tendency to submit to it, and insomnia would catch up to me leading to my blissful (for me), yet accidental (to others), death
That year, I tripped over the rug (the imaginary rug under which I was sweeping anything that awoke painful feelings). After 6 months of unwavering insomnia, trouble focusing at work, and most of my hours outside of work spent in bed or on 'my chair' spacing out, it was quite noticeable that I was becoming less and less functional at an alarmingly accelerated pace.
So, I made a list of my options, decided on my course of actions, and acted on it. In a few months, I had gone through what felt like an emotional bootcamp…
If you are struggling with a mental illness and feel trapped, I want you to know that there is a way out. It is possible to transform your life into one where you feel alive, experience overwhelming joy and peace of mind day after day. And I sincerely want you to experience that!
